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Alyssa Bayus

Alyssa Bayus, Neurodiverse Couples Retreat Specialist
Associate Marriage and Family Therapist
 

Why a Retreat? Why Now?


Weekly therapy can be powerful — but for many neurodiverse couples, it’s not enough.
 

By the time you’re considering a retreat, things usually feel urgent:
 

  • You’re exhausted by repeating the same fights.
     

  • One or both of you is wondering if the relationship can survive.
     

  • You feel more like case managers or roommates than partners.
     

  • You know neurodiversity is part of the picture, but don’t have a shared way to talk about it without everything blowing up.
     

The daily grind doesn’t leave much space to slow down, decode what’s really happening, or try new tools in a sustained way.
 

That’s where the retreat comes in.

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A retreat gives us concentrated time together — with lots of breaks and pacing that respects autistic and ADHD nervous systems — so we can:

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  • Map your patterns clearly.
     

  • Reduce the shame and blame around your differences.
     

  • Build and practice new ways of connecting in real time.
     

Create a realistic, specific plan for what happens after you go home.

My Story: Learning to Read the Room

My parents divorced when I was born, so I grew up moving between homes, rhythms, and emotional climates.
 

From an early age I became the one who “read the room” — noticing the small cues, the shift in a partner’s tone, the door that closes just a little too firmly, the silence that suddenly feels sharp.
 

That constant translating between worlds was its own training program. It taught me how to track nervous systems, spot overwhelm before it explodes, and find the most reachable next step when everyone feels stuck.
 

Those same skills now shape how I hold the retreat space: reading what’s happening beneath the words, slowing things down when needed, and helping both partners feel understood instead of judged.
 

This work started for me inside a real, messy family — not in a theoretical classroom.

Marriage: When Love and Pain Live in the Same House

I spent more than twenty years in a marriage that became a deep teacher.
 

I learned, from the inside, how easy it is for two good people to get lost in misattunement, missed bids for connection, old trauma, and conflicting needs.

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I also learned a hard truth: Real change isn’t about one partner “fixing” themselves. It only lasts when both people are willing to look inward, try new patterns, and tolerate the discomfort of doing things differently.
 

Those years didn’t make me bitter. They made me steady.
 

I’m very clear now about what helps couples grow and reconnect — and what just piles on more pressure, guilt, and shame without actually shifting the pattern.
 

When I sit with you in a retreat, I’m not peering in from the outside. I know how complicated it is to love someone and hurt at the same time.

Motherhood: Neurodiversity at Home, Not Just in a Book

I’m the parent of three wonderful kids: a 17-year-old and twin 15-year-olds.
 

Our home is loud, busy, and very human. Homework overlaps with emotional storms; sleep is not always predictable; someone always needs something right now.
 

ADHD is the loudest drumbeat in our house — time blindness, task initiation struggles, emotional intensity, sleep shifts, school demands, and the constant need to right-size expectations so we’re not all living in permanent disappointment.
 

We’ve chased accurate diagnoses, weighed medication trade-offs, and rebuilt routines over and over as they’ve grown.
 

Autism is also part of our extended family, so I deeply understand the sensory and communication layers that shape daily life:
 

  • Noise sensitivity and shutdowns
     

  • Clothing and texture battles
     

  • Transitions that feel like cliff edges
     

  • The exhaustion of being “on” as a parent all the time
     

I don’t treat neurodiversity as a theory we talk about.

It’s the context I live in.
 

That lived reality means I understand the couples who come to retreat not just as partners, but as drained parents, stretched caregivers, and human beings doing their best in systems that often don’t fit their brains.

Why a Virtual Retreat Can Be a Game-Changer

Many neurodiverse couples actually do better work in a virtual retreat than in a traditional in-person setting.

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Virtual retreats can:

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  • Reduce sensory overload from travel, new spaces, and unfamiliar environments.
     

  • Let you stay in your own predictable, comfortable surroundings — your own chair, lighting, clothes, food, and routines.
     

  • Lower executive-function load: no flights, hotels, logistics, or packing to manage on top of emotional work.
     

  • Make breaks more restorative because you’re at home, not stuck in a waiting room or lobby.
     

  • Increase access if you’re parenting, caregiving, or managing health issues that make travel unrealistic.
     

We build the retreat schedule around your nervous systems — structured blocks of focused work, followed by real breaks, all while you’re in the place your body already knows as “home.”

What We Focus on During Your Retreat

Every retreat is custom-built around your story, but here are the core themes I often work with:
 

1. Understanding Your Wiring (Both of You)
 

  • Different processing speeds: fast/slow, literal/inferential, internal/external processors.
     

  • Sensory profiles: sound, light, touch, movement, pacing — and how they impact conflict and intimacy.
     

  • Social energy: who needs more connection, who needs more quiet, and why neither is “wrong.”
     

2. Untangling Your Cycles
 

  • Pursuer/withdrawer loops, shutdown patterns, defensive humor, or “logical vs. emotional” standoffs.
     

  • Defense modes: masking, overwhelm, shutdown, explosive anger, or going numb.
     

  • The meanings you assign to each other’s behaviors — often harsher than the actual intentions.
     

3. Building Tools You Can Actually Use

We don’t just talk concepts; we practice in the room:
 

  • Slower, structured conversations so both partners get to finish a thought.
     

  • Clear “lane markers” for hard talks: how to start, how to pause, how to repair.
     

  • Rituals of connection — small, repeatable actions that rebuild trust and warmth.
     

  • Burnout buffers: how to plan recovery time and transitions so you’re not always at a 9 out of 10.
     

You’ll leave not with a vague sense of “more insight,” but with specific agreements, scripts, and experiments to try at home.

How I Work in the Retreat Space

I know retreat can sound intense, especially if you’re autistic, ADHD, or both.

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My approach is:
 

  • Paced, not rushed – lots of breaks, movement, and check-ins.
     

  • Plain language – no jargon for the sake of jargon.
     

  • Concrete tools – one-page summaries, scripts, and experiments you can actually remember.
     

  • Balanced – I hold compassion for both partners while still asking each person to own their part.
     

Methods I draw from:
 

  • Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
     

  • The Gottman Method
     

  • Neurodiversity-informed psychoeducation and skills training
     

  • Habit and routine design grounded in executive-function science

Credentials

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